Hm. Seems I lost my cell phone on the way to work today…

It was with me when I started my journey. But when I got off the bus to go into work…it was gone.

Now I get to have the joy of navigating the fido site for information.

sigh.

owie owie owie

This morning, I am sitting at work starting to get myself organized for the official start of my day (8am). I am feeling very stiff today. But there is a reason for that.

This morning, as I was coming in from walking the dog, just after the rain stopped, I slipped on the wet steps and fell down the concrete steps leading to my apartment. It was one of those spectacular falls, when your entire body tenses, and your arms and legs go everywhere and all you are concerned about at the time is keeping your head from bashing into the concrete.

After the fall, I lay there for a few minutes, with the dog whining around my head, as I tried to ensure that nothing was broken (nothing broken), and just generally catching my breath and thinking “wow that sucked” (it did).

And now, I’m at work, sitting at the computer and my back and legs and arms hurt and are stiff.

but fortunately, I didn’t break anything. I don’t want a repeat of that. After all, this time there is a cat and a dog to flip out and try to kill me…

Wanted: 1 new nose…asap

Yesterday, I was suddenly afflicted with an allergy to air conditioning.
At first, I thought it was the usual July pollen/dust allergy. However, I noticed that when I would go outside, my nose would stop running and the sneezing would stop. I was only afflicted in air conditioned areas, like my apartment, on a subway car or bus, etc…

And not allergy medication would have any effect.

There’s a buch of stuff I wanted to do yesterday, including work on the play I’m writing…but that couldn’t happen when I kept wanting to scream because of the constant sneezing.

It only started yesterday and had not occurred any time before that. Hopefully this was a one-day occurrence. Because work is air conditioned too.

Speaking of work, new schedule starts today: 8-4. On the upside, that means I should miss most of rush hour to and from work (in theory). The downside: waking up at 5am.

Dear Sandman…

I have a question: why am I awake?
Ok. Two questions: why have I been awake since 4am? Again?

Honestly, its not funny. I don’t have to wake up until 6. Two hours of sleep would be oh-so-sweet. And I don’t like feeling like I’m going to nod off in the middle of the day.

Alas. I am too awake to sleep.

…at least there is coffee.

The Hil-ton 3000

The other day, I left my house to go to work. Having had the first coffee of the day, I walked to the bus stop with a sense of purpose (actually, I’ve been getting to work later than I prefer to do, so I was desperately trying to get to work earlier rather than later). I arrived at the bus stop, and began the process of waiting for the bus.

At the bus stop is a Toronto Star newspaper box.

And this is what I see on the front cover.

Yes. Paris Hilton. At the Much Music Video Awards. Yes, it is true. The robot known as the Hil-ton 3000 was rolled out at the MMVAs. And she hugged her fans.

Woah. Hang on there.
“her fans”?

The Hil-ton 3000 has fans?

Apparently so. Take a look over at an article over at Dlisted.

When Pink was finished, a nasty 15-year-old girl screamed at her: “Maybe you put down girls like Paris because you are soooo fat and UGLY!”

“You’re just jealous because Paris has talent.”

Yes. read that last sentence again:
“You’re just jealous because Paris has talent”

First of all, I’m pretty much floored that there are people who idolize the Hil-ton 3000. What is the redeeming factor about her? What is it about her that makes her admired? Is it her winning personality? Is it her philanthropic endeavors? Perhaps its her many talents.

Because of course, as the crazed fan allegedly said “You’re just jealous because Paris has talent.”

Maybe it would help if we reveived these alleged talents.

1) The Hil-ton 3000 fancies itself an actor.
After a cameo in Zoolander, the girl’s biggest “starring” role was in the remake of House of Wax, a film where she was probably the biggest draw. And not because of her acting. But because people wanted to watch her character die on flim. A typical comment on IMDB is along the lines of “Wrong Turn” meets “Texas Chainsaw massacre”. Still the fakest thing is Hilton’s acting”. (funny, I hear people say the same thing about that infamous sex tape from a few years back).

So. Its safe to say that she’s not a good actor.

2. The Hil-ton 3000 fancies itself a singer.
Have you heard her sing? I don’t mean off her cd. I mean live. Let us not forget that the Hil-ton 3000 has a lot of money behind her, and can afford all the computerized enhancements that money can buy. But live…well, there are videos on You Tube that show her singing live. And yes, it is as painful as you might think.

So. She’s not a good singer.

So, what is she good at? Its apparent that she’s good at the same thing she is famous for: being rich.

Now, I don’t usually clog up the bandwidth with rants about celebrities (although, I admit that Tom Cruise made it very difficult not to), because enough of the many media of the world spend so much time and energy substituting celebrity talk for actual news. The celebs really get more than enough attention.

But when I saw that picture on the cover of the Star, it really got to me. Because I realized that there are people who are fans of someone like Paris Hilton. And that makes me crazy. Look at the 15 year old fan who berated Pink. What has she learned from Paris? What does she think that the Hil-ton 3000’s talent is? The Blonde robot’s talents are being rich and being famous. What does that say to a 15 year old girl?

Maybe its because I fear for my own daughter’s headspace when I see that someone could actually idolize an airhead like Paris Hilton. Maybe I’m concerned that one day, my daughter could consider somone like Paris Hilton to be a role model.

And that is a frightening thought.

Uncertain-aholics Anonymous

*cough* Um. Hello, my name is Phil, and I’m an Uncertain-aholic.

Hi Phil.

Thanks. 

I guess I’m here because…well, I’m thirty-six years old, and I don’t know what I want to do with my life.  I see a couple of you nodding, so at least I know I’m not alone.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.  I’ve said it before (and I’m highly likely to say it again), but I’m dissatisfied with my job.  I’ve been working this shift of my (4–midnight) for over 4 years now, and I’ve noticed that its been taking a real toll on my life.  My social life to be specific.  Working this shift, as I do, means that on Friday night, when many other people are looking forward to what they are going to do to kick off the weekend, I’m at work.  And when work is done, the only thing I really want to do is go home and wind down.  And after the average work-night I have…I’m not really in the mood to head out and kick up my heels (metaphorically speaking).  As well, there are many times when friends of mine are heading out after work to get together, and I can’t go along because…I’m just starting work.

There are people who hear me complain about my job, and naturally they ask me: “If you don’t like the job so much, why are you still doing it?” 

The answer to that, folks, is…well, two-fold.  Partially, its laziness. I have a job. It might not pay a lot, but it does pay.  It keeps groceries in my cupboard and a roof over my head.  Its safe to stay.  Sure I might not like it…but its known.  Safe. 

The second reason is simply: I don’t want to leave one crappy job for another crappy job.  That’s a major criteria for any new job.  Of course, that also presents a problem:  I have yet to encounter a job board that has a category of  Jobs that don’t suck. Sadly.  Because that would really help.  Because I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up.

Naturally, the answer of I want a job that doesn’t suck is not really the kind of answer you can give when you’re asked “what kind of job are you looking for”.  Also, it doesn’t look very good on the “Objectives” section of the old resume.

I am (or so I have claimed) an actor.  I’m a reasonably decent actor too, or so I’ve been told.  However, I am the first to admit that I haven’t done as much as I could to pursue that field.  I have frequently second-guessed myself, or allowed my own self-doubt (and sometimes sheer laziness) to prevent me from applying for auditions [Note the kids out there: if you want to pursue acting as a career, don’t be like me!  Be proactive!  Don’t procrastinate!  Don’t be lazy!  Get out there and make looking for acting work your second job!].  Sometimes I wonder where I could be if I hadn’t sabotaged myself.  That said, I don’t really relish having a lot of “but what if” sessions.

I have, since we’re on the subject of my own failings, often failed to take enough risks in my life.  I have, more times than I can count, taken the safe road in life [For those keeping track: for an actor, this can very much be a bad thing].  The safe road, is just that: safe.  One is hardly likely to come to a big payoff, or reach huge (or even moderate success) without taking risks.

All of this, contributes to, or is a symptom of the same thing.  I need a change.  More and more, my time at work is spent not caring.  And when the purpose of your job is to try and empathize and at least simulate caring, this state of mind is definately not condusive to that job.  Many times, I think I have just been handed the last straw, and fantasized about just saying fuck it and walking out the door.  But…then there’s the question of how I would put a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. 

With all of this there is only one person who can change things, and that’s me.  Only I can make the decision to stop taking the safe road.  Only I can make the choice to find a new job.  Only I can stop procrastinating.  Only I can decide to make the changes that will help me move forward towards something…fulfilling.

Its hard to take the difficult road.  It is hard to take risks.  It takes courage.

Lets see if I have it in me.

*hem* Thank you.

A thousand excuses in the naked city

There are so many excuses.

Oh yes, I have a million excuses.

See, I keep saying that I want to write and be creative and make Art-with-a-capital-A. I have, in my head, about 3 or 4 ideas of things that I want to write (either plays or screenplays - Maybe one of the ideas would be better served as a short story). Yet, I have having difficulty actually sitting down to write these things.

Part of me feels a little guilty when I want to write something for myself, because there are people waiting for me to write things for them (they know what I’m referring to). I know that I should be putting the writing that I am doing for others ahead of my own writing. After all, its better to do things for someone else, right? Besides, at least when I write for others, I know its going to get read, right?

If I were a really organized person, or someone who had more time to devote to such things, I would be able to divide my day between the writing I am doing for others, and the writing I am doing for myself. I should be able to say to myself that I will write for myself for __ hours and then devote an equal amount of time to writing for the others.

But, as it happens, I’m not feeling all that creative right now. At least, that’s what I tell myself. However, I know for a fact that as a writer, I should be able to focus my mind enough to allow the words to come out. With a solid idea in my head, I should be able to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard as they case may be) and use the idea to channel the words. And the excuses begin (let’s list them, why don’t we?):

- my mind-numbing job is killing my creativity.
- there is writing I should be doing
- There are dishes to be done
- There is house cleaning to be done.
- etc, etc, etc…

Actually, excuse number 1 is the most popular. And really, its a believable excuse, isn’t it? After all, everyone bitches about their job, right?

Right.

But then, I know that empty bitching about the job won’t solve the problem. Wallowing in my own job-based frustration won’t solve the problem. So, I should solve the problem: find a new job (oh yeah, but there are excuses about that too, but that’s another post altogether). The job problem is really something that is entirely up to me. If I don’t like the job, I should get a new one. Really, the only legitimate excuse relating to the job is: time. Many people who know me, know that my work hour suck. 4-midnight monday-friday might not be the worst shift ever, but after 4+ years, its really close. Whenever I do start writing, I always feel like I’m just getting started when its time to go to work. I envy professional writers like Neil Gaiman, who have managed to have enough success with their work that they are able to write for a living. From reading Gaiman’s blog, its pretty apparent that he is one of those fortunate writers who has the time to write several projects at once. Naturally, its success that affords him this. And I know that there are thousands (maybe millions) of writers, who, like me, slog away at dead-end jobs trying to make ends meet. So, with that, even the time excuse isn’t much of an excuse.

Excuses are just that: excuses.

So, I guess in the next few weeks, you will all have ring-side seats as I battle Excuses, try and buckle down and get writing on the myriad projects that I have in mind: both for myself and for others.

Doesn’t that sound exciting?