Something strange

Something strange happened today.

I didn’t have any work to do.  We’re in between things, waiting for content before any work can actually begin.  So, I was sitting at my desk trying to look busy, or find things to do.  This was getting harder and harder to do, since I’m still in training and haven’t been handed a project of my own. So, I was reading through the technical manuals for the application that we use here, and….well, getting very bored (its pretty dry reading).  Then I started reading about some of the laws in Canada and the US that apply to us and how the best practices are organized.

Yeah.  really exciting I know.

Then my boss comes up to me, and says that he’s sorry that he desn’t have any work for me, but that its all going to come at once and that I should enjoy the time.

So, basically…don’t sweat the lack of work.

Coming from the call centre I’ve come from…that’s new a new concept.  Really new.  In te call centre…if I didn’t look busy, there was going to be trouble.

This really is a very different environment.

Its good, but its going to take getting used to.

Work: am I doing something wrong?

Here is an interesting state of affairs.

I’m sitting at work, and I’m not doing anything.  I had some things to do, but those are done.  I’m waiting on someone else before I can move forward on the second thing that had been set out for me today.  And now…I’m not doing anything.

Before I started, I was warned that I might be a bit bored during the first couple of weeks.  At the moment, that’s certainly holding true.  Coming from a call centre background, the idea of not doing anything is pretty foreign.  I’m more comfortable if there is pretty much constantly something to do.  Part of me keeps wondering if I’m not doing something that I should be doing.  Am I slacking and not realizing it?  Is someone going to come up to me and tell me I’m being let go?

Or is this the way that “grown up” workplaces are? 

Its just…very disorienting…

Last Day

Today is my last day at this job.

I am somewhat tired today, because for some reason I didn’t get to sleep until after Midnight. I was at rehearsal last night and didn’t get home till about 11PM, and then went to bed. But, sleep just would not come.

So, today I am somewhat zombie-fied. Fortunately, there is coffee (sweet nectar of the gods).

Tonight, there is packing for my trip to Milwaukee, and then…some exciting cleaning, and paying attention to pets who get pissy when I pack to go away.

I’m looking forward to being finished here. I hope the day goes by quickly.

Quick update

Just for the record, today is no better than yesterday. In fact, its worse.

Wonderful.

I thought I’d left this behind when I changed jobs. Sadly, it seems not.

Not a good start to the week

So far at work, this has been a less than stellar week (I know, its only tuesday…sad).

More and more gets piled on this department. There are expectations for us to support 4 products now, all at full time levels, when we have are staffed to support 1 product full time. As such we are dividing our time between all the products, and falling behind on everything. I’m waiting for the shit to hit the fan when they realize that we haven’t been able to do what they expect due to lack of bodies. They haven’t previously shown themselves to be understanding of this sort of thing.

To top it off, yesterday and today, we were short staffed. So, not only do we not have enough bodies to do what they are expecting on a regular day, we’re falling way behind now.

As a part of the job, I’m expected to do phone and e-mail (approximately half and half). Yesterday, I did e-mail for the first hour of the day. After that…it was all phones. It was the same for everyone else. And today, I can see how much that hurt us. There’s almost double the mail that there was yesterday.

I’m getting really tired of this.

Yes, the job is less stressful than the last one, but that doesn’t actually show signs of continuing. I’m watching everyone’s stress level go up, even the people who were so happy with this place before.

To top that off, I have a serious toothache right now. I broke a tooth in Montreal, and (like an idiot) I procrastinated on seeing a dentist, because, until now, there was no real pain. Last night, however, it started to hurt. When I woke up this morning, I thought I would be fine, but now the tooth is hurting again. And my insurance doesn’t kick in until the end of September. Which is a pain.

I admit, however, that I am afraid of dentists. I always have been. Or rather, I have been since I didn’t go to one for…oh…over 10 years (that’s what going that long without health insurance will do). Now, I have 5 teeth that need to be pulled. I know this. I’ve been told this. I could have avoided this pain before if I’d had the work done when I was first told about it. But my fear of dentists (and dentist-induced pain) caused me to put it off. And now look where I am.

This is a bad situation. I have no idea how much it would cost to have these teeth dealt with, but I’m betting its not cheap. And I’m such a coward about this whole dentist thing, that if I’d want to be put under. The thought of the dentist with his knee on my chest pulling the tooth really just makes me ill. I’d hate to see what actually witnessing it would do. But anaesthetic would drive up the price hugely, I’m sure.

At this point, all I want to do is get through this horrible week as quickly as possible.

Wish me luck.

A Realisation

Recenly, I came to a realisation about how I’ve been approaching theatre things and acting. I have recently caught myself looking at auditions for plays and movies and not submitting for the audition because if I got the gig it would interfere with my current job.

Yes. That’s right, the current job that I don’t like all that much.

Which means that I have been self-sabotaging myself. I’ve been chosing the security of having a job, albeit a job I don’t like all that much, over the career that I supposedly have wanted to pursue my whole life.

This is definitely something i’m going to have to stop doing.

A Friday Post

Good thing that today has been relatively slow at work, since I’ve been feeling like I could go for a nap pretty much all day today. No amount of coffee seems to be waking me up either. In fact, the coffee is just barely keeping me going. Makes me wonder if someone snuck decaf into the coffee machine (and if they did…oh, how I curse them!).

I am beginning to suspect that I have been forgotten at work. Since last week on Wednesday, there has been no training at all. I have pretty much been making myself answer e-mails and learn the systems. However, there are tools that require passwords, and these passwords have yet to be provided to me. Also, I would have thought that I would have been shown the phone system by now, but no dice.

I can understand that the environment is more relaxed, but I keep waiting for someone to say “why haven’t you been doing ___”. Hopefully that won’t happen.

Looks like my plans for tonight consist of doing little more than spending time with the dog and watching episodes of Lost Season 1 (which I am watching at the behest of the Gow and Jenngo). Perhaps that plan will change if a cheque from the old job arrived in the mail today (which I very much doubt).

Perhaps more later.

Accomplishments.

It is interesting to note how changing one thing can open up so many doors.  I gave notice at work this week.  Suddenly I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I’m not stressing about work anymore.  And more, it seems that the stress is what was keeping my creativity under lock and key, because suddenly tonight as I was on my way home, in my mind I roughly mapped out the play that I’ve been mulling over.  There is an outline, now, however brief it might be.  But there is an outline, and that makes the play more solid.  I have a solid view of the story and where its going. 

That’s very liberating.  I feel like I’ve accomplished something.

And all it took was quitting my job.

Or rather, quitting my job helped me release the idea that was already there.

But whatever it was, I’m feeling very good right now.  Accomplished.  I’ve made progress.

Good feeling

Today is a crazy day.  The TTC maintenance workers are on strike and the rest of the union is refusing to cross the picket lines, so there are no subways or busses.  No idea if service will be restored in time for me to go to work today.

A while back, I reported on a job interview that I had.  Today, I received an offer from the company, and gave my two weeks notice at my current job.

Uncertain-aholics Anonymous

*cough* Um. Hello, my name is Phil, and I’m an Uncertain-aholic.

Hi Phil.

Thanks. 

I guess I’m here because…well, I’m thirty-six years old, and I don’t know what I want to do with my life.  I see a couple of you nodding, so at least I know I’m not alone.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.  I’ve said it before (and I’m highly likely to say it again), but I’m dissatisfied with my job.  I’ve been working this shift of my (4–midnight) for over 4 years now, and I’ve noticed that its been taking a real toll on my life.  My social life to be specific.  Working this shift, as I do, means that on Friday night, when many other people are looking forward to what they are going to do to kick off the weekend, I’m at work.  And when work is done, the only thing I really want to do is go home and wind down.  And after the average work-night I have…I’m not really in the mood to head out and kick up my heels (metaphorically speaking).  As well, there are many times when friends of mine are heading out after work to get together, and I can’t go along because…I’m just starting work.

There are people who hear me complain about my job, and naturally they ask me: “If you don’t like the job so much, why are you still doing it?” 

The answer to that, folks, is…well, two-fold.  Partially, its laziness. I have a job. It might not pay a lot, but it does pay.  It keeps groceries in my cupboard and a roof over my head.  Its safe to stay.  Sure I might not like it…but its known.  Safe. 

The second reason is simply: I don’t want to leave one crappy job for another crappy job.  That’s a major criteria for any new job.  Of course, that also presents a problem:  I have yet to encounter a job board that has a category of  Jobs that don’t suck. Sadly.  Because that would really help.  Because I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up.

Naturally, the answer of I want a job that doesn’t suck is not really the kind of answer you can give when you’re asked “what kind of job are you looking for”.  Also, it doesn’t look very good on the “Objectives” section of the old resume.

I am (or so I have claimed) an actor.  I’m a reasonably decent actor too, or so I’ve been told.  However, I am the first to admit that I haven’t done as much as I could to pursue that field.  I have frequently second-guessed myself, or allowed my own self-doubt (and sometimes sheer laziness) to prevent me from applying for auditions [Note the kids out there: if you want to pursue acting as a career, don’t be like me!  Be proactive!  Don’t procrastinate!  Don’t be lazy!  Get out there and make looking for acting work your second job!].  Sometimes I wonder where I could be if I hadn’t sabotaged myself.  That said, I don’t really relish having a lot of “but what if” sessions.

I have, since we’re on the subject of my own failings, often failed to take enough risks in my life.  I have, more times than I can count, taken the safe road in life [For those keeping track: for an actor, this can very much be a bad thing].  The safe road, is just that: safe.  One is hardly likely to come to a big payoff, or reach huge (or even moderate success) without taking risks.

All of this, contributes to, or is a symptom of the same thing.  I need a change.  More and more, my time at work is spent not caring.  And when the purpose of your job is to try and empathize and at least simulate caring, this state of mind is definately not condusive to that job.  Many times, I think I have just been handed the last straw, and fantasized about just saying fuck it and walking out the door.  But…then there’s the question of how I would put a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. 

With all of this there is only one person who can change things, and that’s me.  Only I can make the decision to stop taking the safe road.  Only I can make the choice to find a new job.  Only I can stop procrastinating.  Only I can decide to make the changes that will help me move forward towards something…fulfilling.

Its hard to take the difficult road.  It is hard to take risks.  It takes courage.

Lets see if I have it in me.

*hem* Thank you.